That in life is truly valuable? How our differences affect the possibility of friendship? And what can we do to maintain relations with friends, despite the lack of time?

Politicians urge to create a new «culture of community». What should it be and how to do it?

Jaap Denisen, psychologist, friendship researcher: The opposite course is individualism, which has been strengthened in recent decades, too much, it cannot be stopped by a simple click of a button. Yes, now they have started talking about the culture of community, that during the crisis we need to unite. But what is specifically in mind? «Community» is a very inaccurate concept. Maybe we need to focus on the family, or to cooperate more actively with colleagues, or invest more time in friendship?

Is it really even greater individualization – according to the principle of «each for himself»?

On the one hand, yes

, individualism has demonstrated its effectiveness. On the other hand, people really began to invest more in support of each other. They want to know that in a difficult situation – in the family, at work, with health – they will be supported by loved ones and friends. Anyone who has so far appreciated himself exclusively for his career and professional successes begins to understand that it could also be on the street. More and more people are wondering that in life it is truly valuable. That, in addition to work, making money and position, it can bring happiness that it is more reliable.

Doesn’t friendship be at risk when social separation arises?

In life, friends often find themselves on different sides of the social abyss. Often friendship is formed early, during study, at a university, that is, when the starting base is more or less the same. But over the years, someone makes a career, buys a house, the other loses his job and barely makes ends meet. Sharp social differences can give rise to envy on the one hand and unwillingness to communicate with a loser – on the other. A close relationship and great tolerance are needed so as not to limit themselves only to an economic comparison, so that there is something in common. This can be, for example, joint musification – regardless of bank account and position held.

How important is the similarity for friendship? The opposites are attracted – this is true for friendship?

In social reality, the principle of combining similar people is more likely. My studies of friendship revealed an interesting feature: the foundation of relations is the subjective perception of similarity. In reality, it may not be. For example, two fat friends, one extrovert, another introvert – most likely for them this difference will be unimportant, and both will consider themselves active or restrained, depending on the situation. This is a bit like love: a crucial illusion in relation to another plays a decisive role – it does not interfere, but helps two to unite. Feeling similarity is like focus on common purposes.

Today, most people have much more acquaintances than good friends, although the title of “friend” is easy. When a person becomes our friend?

A close union arises when we open to each other. At the initial stage, this is a cautious approximation. Fast mental «striptease» shocking. And vice versa, if after months you still talk exclusively about the weather, disappointment will come. Connection appears if, in response to our gradual disclosure of ourselves to another person, he also opens. Only the one we have chosen becomes a friend.

That is, this is a free choice, but doesn’t it really matter?

Of course, this aspect is also important. There is emotional and social benefits – we are friends with a person who occupies a certain social status, his reflection lies with us. We are waiting for instrumental benefits, we are counting on practical and financial support. It is necessary to find the balance between «give and take» for a distant perspective.

Instead of faithful friendship today, free relations are most often established. It has become difficult to find a close friend today?

It depends on the quality of the relationship. Trust and mutual support is difficult to replace with something else. To find a friend, it takes time: you need general experiences, common experience and understanding that you can rely on a person.